Jokes

Here we proudly make fun of every region in Canada, without bias. I have taken the time to collect data on all provinces (and am working on territories).

To see the newest additions, look below the contents.

Click here to view my disclaimer, and rebuttal of slur/stereo-type accusations.

Contents of Jokes

• Apology to Americans (from 22 Minutes)
• Creation
• General Canadian Jokes
• 2002 Winter Olympic Jokes
• The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
• Making fun of all Canadians:
  • You Might Be Canadian If...
  • Why It's Great To Be Canadian
• Making fun of every province and territory:
  • Alberta
  • British Columbia
  • Manitoba
  • New Brunswick
  • Newfoundland
  • Northwest Territories
  • Nova Scotia
  • Nunavut
  • Ontario
  • Prince Edward Island
  • Québec
  • Saskatchewan
  • Yukon
• The Molson's Canadian 'The Rant' (original)
  • I am Canadian
  • I am Provincial
    • I am Albertan
    • I is Newfie
    • I am British Columbia
    • I am Saskatchewan
  • I am American
  • I am International:
    • Australian
    • Greek
    • Pakistani
    • Chinese
    • Italian

New Jokes

Not yet added:

Adding to Your Might Be Canadian If... You don't search the skies in vain when someone says "Look up, way up"

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade mate."

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says,

"Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"

The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

As a Canadian, you have to be extra vigilant. There are a lot of impostors out there. If you suspect that someone is falsely trying to pass themselves off as a Canadian, make the following statement - and then carefully note their reaction:

"Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way back to the duplex. I was trying to deke out a deer, you see. Damn chinook, melted everything. And then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only in my Stanfields and a toque at the time. And the Mountie, he's all chippy and everything, calling me a "shit disturber" and what not. What could I say, except, "Sorry, EH!"

If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically, they're one of us. If, however, they stare at you with a blank incomprehension, they are not a real Canadian. Have them reported to the authorities at once.

Not yet added:

How many Canadiens does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, and a bottle of whiskey (has to wait for the room to spin...).

Or

How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, and a 24-pack of beer. (Once the room starts to spin...)

Added to You Might Be Canadian If...

• You can repeat the entire Molson's Canadian 'The Rant'.

Corrected some cultural information containted in the I AM PAKISTANI Rant.

Joke added to General Canadian Jokes:

Q: What is the similarity of american beer and having sex in a rowboat?

A: They are both SO close to water!

Added to You Might Be From BC If...

• it's november, it's raining, but you're still wearing birkenstocks
• You go broke just paying rent.
• You think double-glazed windows are for those in Ontario with cold weather.
• You don't own a heavy winter coat
• You can't figure out why Manitoba is considered part of Western Canada.
• You know the meaning of the words gortex and anorak jackets.
• You wouldn't be caught dead on Vancouver Island or Vancouver without your umbrella and plastic shoes.

Joke added to General Canadian Jokes:

The original name for Canada, dreamed up by a parliamentary committee in London, was "Cold North Dominion," but that waas too long, so they abbreviated it C.N.D. The King's Royal Governor presented the new name to the inhabitants, and they didn't say a word. Just looked at him.

"Well, what do you think?" asked the Royal Governor?

"C., eh?" said the first fellow, and just looked at the Governor.

"N., eh?" says the second guy.

"D., eh?" says a third one. Then silence.

"Hey," says the Governor. "I like that. It's a helluva lot easier to pronounce when you spell it that way."

So that's how Canada got its name.

Added I AM AUSTRALIAN Rant.

Added to You Might Be From Ontario If...

• You have enough French vocabulary to get by some of the day in Ottawa without them thinking that you're a completly incapable American.

Added to You Might Be From Newfound Land If...

• You experience all four seasons in the same day.

Added to You Might Be From Alberta If...

• Your idea of a ski hill is a pile of frozen cow dung.

These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.

Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of ?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is....oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

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