2002 Olympic Jokes

These are really old jokes, most of which I already have collected in my General Canadian Jokes page, but someone took the time to change them after the winter olympics, so I decided to take the time to post them. Enjoy!

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays hockey for Team USA, and I was just too embarrassed to say so."

A US first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are American too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American."

"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?".

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too.

"The teacher is now really angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a crappy hockey player, and your dad was a crappy hockey player? Would that mean that you're a crappy hockey player too?"

A pause, and a smile. Then, says Kristen, "Nope! That'd mean I'm an American!"

A Canadian hockey fan, an American fan and a Swedish fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of alcohol. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the alcohol, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Swede fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Swede fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The American fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said: "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the American fan crying.

The Canadian fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You support the greatest team in the world, your country has the best and most loyal hockey fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness", the Canadian replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.

"Tie the American fan to my back so he can get his ass whooped again."