Molson Canadian 'Rant' Parodies

If you want to view parodies of 'The Rant', click one of the below, other wise, scroll down.

I am Albertan

Hey, I'm not a farmer or an oil worker.
I don't live in Red Deer or eat raw beef or own a pickup truck.
I don't know Doug or Dwayne or Debbie from Fort McMurray, but I'm sure they're very nice people.
I have a premier named Ralph, not a dictator named Lucien.
And I speak English, you got it? English. Not French.
And I'm sick of having French rammed down my throat.
I go to the lake and stay in a cabin, not a cottage.
I believe in plugging in my car during the winter because if I don't, it won't start.
I drive 100 km/h in the left hand lane on Highway 2 even though the sign says, "slower traffic, keep to the right."
I'm not against Bill 11, but I'm not for Bill 11.
As a matter of fact, I don't even know what Bill 11 is all about.
I cheer for the Oilers because they play in the Leagues.
I don't believe Toronto is the centre of the universe.
I've never been there and I don't ever plan on going there.
Alberta has the second largest deposit of oil in the world.
And because of that, I don't pay taxes.
And I believe it's the greatest province in the country.
But I'd still move to B.C. if I got a good job offer.
My name is Joe.
And I am Albertan.

Actually, I moved here from Ontario in the '80's.

I IS A NEWFIE!

Eh Dare,

I am not a roofer or, a fisherman, and I am not collecting Pogey.

I don't live in a rented house with 4 udder newfie friends.

I don't eat Moose meat every day and I don't drive a Ski-doo.

And I don't know Barry, Jimmy or Glenn from Grand Falls although I am certain they are good folk.

I drink Screech or Beer- or anything with a percent of alcohol.

I believe in open bars everywhere, and I pronounce it "turbitt", not "turbo".

I can proudly fly my province's flag in the back window of my pickup.

A toque is a hat. Fried bologna is a meal.

And the COD is a proud and noble FISH!

And it is pronounced TREE, not THREE....TREE!

Newfoundland is the last member of confederation,

the 1st province of fishing,

and the best part of the Atlantic ocean!

My name is Bob!

And I is a Newfie!

Bye!

I AM BRITISH COLUMBIAN!

My name is Nick,

On a map my province is on the left and unfortunately is so is my government.

I not a hippy, or a tree hugger, but I'm proud to recycle.

I wasn't born here, but I am heree now and its better than where I was before, even though I will go back home for Christmas.

I wasn't an extra on the X-Files, but my roommate was.

I use an umbrella in the winter, not a snow shovel.

There are no gas stations in gas town.

Spusism is beyond hope, and if you wanna smoke you better step outside.

And its lutis land not lalatis land,

BC is the farthest away from Toronto,

The Home of Terry Fox, and the best part of Canada!

My name is Nick AND I AM A BRITISH COLUMBIAN!!!

I AM QUÉBECIOS!

I'm not unemployed, or smuggling cigarettes across the border

I don't eat Pepsi and Mae West for breakfast

I don't watch the hockey game while doing it doggy style.

And no, I don't know Claude, Manon or Francois in Abitibi-Temiscamingue,

but I'm sure they have nice teeth

I smoke in church

I speak Quebecois and Jouale, not French or English

I pronounce it 'turd' not 'third'

And eating french fries with cheese makes sense, mon oesti!

I believe in distinct society as long as someone else pays for it

I believe in language police not equal rights

And caulice, I believe that Club Supersexe is an appropriate place for my wife and me to celebrate our anniversaire,

what the hell, she goes on at ten anyway!

In Quebec, the Stanley Cup actually comes around more often than Halley's Comet

I can get beer at the Dépanneur, not the convenience store!

And maybe I can't turn right on a red light, but tabarnacle! I can go right through it!

Because Quebec is the world's largest producer of maple syrup,

the home of Celine Dion AND Roch Voisine

The land where everybody is shacking up

And the drinking age is just a suggestion!

Je m'appelle Gui

And I am NOT Canadian! (Mautadit tabarnacle oesti...Merci bonjour la visite)

I AM SASKATCHEWAN!

Hey. I'm not a hick, or a hog farmer.

And I don't live in a barn or eat mosquitos, or own a John Deere.

And I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Alberta, although I'm certain they're really, really nice.

I have an OUTDOOR STADIUM, NOT a wussy DOME.

I speak of drunken good times with good friends at Habanos and Manhattens and fights at the PATS games,

NOT the phony's and the yuppies at the HARD ROCK CAFE,

and I pronouce it 'CRAVEN', NOT "Craving".

I go for OFFSALE at 2:30 following the bar,

NOT capuccino or that mocha shit they call coffee in Vancouver.

I can proudly wear a green and white in my hair and show off green underwear!

I believe in PUSHING YOUR WAY TO THE FRONT OF THE BAR for a drink,

NOT standing in a frikken line trying to act cool.

SNOW, NOT rain,

AND THAT THE GOPHER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL.

A sweatershirt with a hood on it is a BUNNY HUG, not a HOODY!

And it doesn't make you part of a gang!

Cover charge Never OVER THREE BUCKS,

AND IT IS PRONOUCED 'REGINA' WITH AN "R" NOT A "V"! 'R'! (can't you fools read! It WAS NAMED AFTER A QUEEN.)

Oh yea, forgot, you fools don't know your history!

And yes...we like 80's music, but this does not mean we dress that way.

SASKATCHEWAN IS THE FLATEST LANDMASS!

THE ONLY PROVINCE OF ROUGHRIDERS!

MY NAME IS JILL! AND I AM FROM SASKI!